Ever
In Progress
CLS
Sandoval
On My Way
On my way to school
this morning,
reciting that poem
for the 30th time,
I wonder why no one
will let me merge.
My phone keeps
teasing me with texts and emails,
but I’m trying my
best not to give in.
My dog, Sadie’s eyes
haunt my mind;
I hate leaving her
by herself, behind.
All of those
interruptions
in that debate last
night leave me wondering
if there is any hope
left for change we can believe in.
It’s almost my exit;
good thing I have time to grab some coffee.
Waiting for Something to Happen
I have my ringer on. We’ve been on the
waiting list to adopt a baby for more than two years now. We had a match,
but the mother changed her mind. I had some time off that I was saving
for when we brought home a baby, but time was up to use it, so now I took a
year off and just wrote. Took classes. Volunteering in our six-year
old’s first grade class. Working part time at other jobs to pay down
debt. Not a wasted year. But the something I wanted to happen just
hasn’t yet. It’s been a week of action. The dog threw up all night, my
car was still in the shop, and the gas bill was triple that which I
expected. As I keep waiting for something to happen, I guess I need to be
more specific as to what I am hoping for!
Just a touch, practice
Everything turns out just right
Later, it’s too hard
Things I don’t Like to Admit About Myself
My hair has more gray than I would like it to be.
My waist is thicker than I ever thought it would be. I’ve lost a bit of
strength and flexibility. I don’t have the focus and self-control I would
like. I am not as kind and patient as I hope to be. I’m not as
consistent as I want to be. I don’t make enough money or have enough
children. I don’t own a home and I have too much debt. I have more
sunspots and wrinkles than I want. My hair is not as long or thick as I
want. I keep wishing and I need to take more action.
My Heart
He was
pretty
That
always got me
He could
talk a good game
My heart
feel so fast
It was
the second time she’d betrayed me
Fallen
for a slick, fast-talking, handsome guy
With
lots of game
And
plenty more options
It
wouldn’t be the last time
Don’t Think Like This
Don’t think like this
He’s the man of your
dreams and you’re off in your own fantasies
Don’t think like this
He gave you his all and
you’re up to your own little schemes
Don’t think like this
From so far away the
grass will always look green
I Used the Wrong Key Again, But it Was the Right
Door
I once knew this lock
The key was under the mat
This time it won’t turn
Just Another Day
Another bomb dropped
today
I can tell you when
and where
And I can swear that
I care
But I’ve never been
there
And I’m still
brushing my hair
My hands are
connected at the wrist behind my back and I’ll never let this one go
There’s just one
more tear falling to the floor and my head is crammed full of a rainbow
I let go too soon
again
There is one less
reason to wake up
One more reason to
sleep in
Another dead
One more dying
And they want me to
teach a speech class
To students that
assume the sun will rise another day
Whose greatest worry
is whether or not there are any Eggos left in the freezer
Then he walks in
with his red hair and grin
He emancipated
himself from a foster system
that drops children
like bombs on sands of empty parents
who view their young
people as just another pay check
My Rhythm
He wouldn’t want to
dance again after this time
I’m stepping on him
The Dance
When I reach forward, I feel pulled back
A step forward begins in reverse
I light fire to boil ice in the deep freeze
My ink is erased and my pencil led permanent
Sliding into splits leaves me upright
A summersault feels like a layout
My car’s reverse gear puts her in drive
Everything I touch turns into the opposite of my
intention
Respond
The pastor says
the best way to respond to hate is love,
And the best way
to respond to fear is with faith.
I know I have this
juxtaposition deep within me, too,
But I get bogged
down in the hate and the fear.
Regrets
It’s
hard for me to believe anyone is being truthful when they say they have no
regrets
I cannot
believe people who only wish they had done more
I regret
so much
If I
could I would have stopped myself from so many things I did on impulse
I would
have studied harder
Worked
more
Taken
less play time
So I
could be where I really want to be
So I
could be the person I wish people knew me to be
My Ideal Day
Award
My baby born
Family time all day long
Massages and lots of hot tubs
Perfect
Talking to 10 Year Old Me
If 10 year old me
saw me now
She would wonder why we gave up so much
How we ended up here
And why we haven’t made much of a difference
But then she might be impressed at all the roads we took that she never
imagined existed
I would gently
break the news that she only has
Two years before Mom and Dad split up
Only a little longer before mom’s drinking took over
A few more years before she would be sexually assaulted
Not long after great grandpa, and great grandma would die
Not long after that, our own alcoholism, depression, anxiety would take over
Mom would survive cancer twice
Nana with die
She would lose touch with her sister and best friends
She would have a failed marriage
Be detached
Have a guarded heart
But be stronger for all of it
They Can, But
They can, but
They can tell me no, but I can challenge them.
They can tell me what to wear on the outside,
but they can’t change my heart’s decor
They can stop me from having more children, but
they can’t take my daughter.
They can, but
They can shut the door, but I can shimmy out the
window.
They can take my car, but I still have legs.
They can tell their interpretation, but they
can’t take my experience.
They can, but
They can unplug my computer, but I still have a
ball point and a steno pad.
They can turn of the electricity, but they can’t
keep me
They can shut my mouth, but not my mind.
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